I am a real live tech support person. And I live in Tech Support Hell. SAVE ME!!!! UPDATE: I have been saved!
Wanted: Techs in Support Hell needed to help keep this blog alive!
When trying to walk a customer thru putting in the account name in the properties for Outlook Express, I always put it this way. "It is the part before the @ISP.net in your email address". This last guy wasn't getting it all and he kept reading off the @ISP.net part to me. I got a little agitated, hit the mute button and my co-workers heard me say:
Me: What part of "It is the part before the @ISP.net in your email address" did you not understand?!?!?!
I was having this last guy type in his email address so he could log into the customer part of our website to add an email address to his account.
Me: Now type in your password
Mr. Customer: I don't see where I can type in the password. Should I hit enter?
Me: Sure, why not?
Mr. Customer: I am now at my homepage.
Me: (somewhat confused) Let's start over... Click on "My Account". By the way, what page does it say you are on?
Mr. Customer: customer_email_address@< ISP >.net
AHA! He had been typing his email address in the address line (just like I told him to...), but it was the wrong address line!!!
I hate being compared with AOL. Even if the service is slow, I know it's not that slow.... And of course it's impossible that there is ever something wrong with the customer's computer. It's always the fault of the service provider... And AOL is never slow... yeah, right...
Like this last guy... He had a slow connection and yes, and there was an outage declared for his area, but that wasn't his problem. He had somehow configured Windows XP to use a bridged connection. And what was happening was his IP address would automatically change whenever he would try and get on the Internet. I knew this because I was sending a continuous ping to him (ping -t a.b.c.d) to the IP address that I showed being assigned to him in my toolset. As soon as he went to get on the Net, he dropped from sight, and didn't come back.
When I had him disable the bridge shown in his network connections, (by right clicking "Local Area Connection" and deleting it,) he still was not pingable. We then checked if his firewall was enabled (XP comes with a built in firewall), and it was enabled. After disabling it, he then asked me if he should also uncheck the "Share this connection with another computer" box. Uh, maybe... that's why your IP keeps reverting to 192.168... Arggghhh! Always check for IP routing being enabled in ipconfig/all - this is a good place to start!
Me: I am not a mind reader. Did you mean to call the Psychic hotline?
Why do they just assume that all their infomation just flows thru the phone when they get transfered to Level II? I don't know where they get that idea... We don't have that kind of technology... At the most, I would be able to get their account info from the phone number that my phone shows me. You would be surprised how many people just assume that the Level I Rep told me everything before transfering the call... They have no concept of the way a call center works. I guess that would be expecting a bit much from a simple customer...
Had a guy call in because his settings kept reverting back to the old settings before he signed up with our service. I suspected something like Go-Back was installed and doing that to him. So I had him read off the programs listed in the Add/Remove List (Start>Settings>Control Panel>Add/Remove Programs).
He starts out with "Adobe Acrobat Reader, AOL Instant Messenger", and then reads off a bunch of other programs (about 20 more) and then he gets to
"Live Sex Shows"
pauses for less than 1/2 a second and says this exact phrase:
"Well, that's new!"
and then continues reading "Live Update by Symatec, Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.5 with Internet Tools," etc...
Yeah, nice cover... You are always checking your "Add/Remove Programs" list, aren't you!?
15 minutes to get to the Internet connection wizard in IE!!!! It's a 3 minute task at the most. Yeah your browser was hijacked by MSN Explorer, but you have to LISTEN TO ME when I am asking you to do things!!!!!!!!!!!! I can hear you mumbling under your breath and I tell you
Me: "No, not there, click on Internet Options. You are in the Network Connections. We need to look at the Internet Options!"
Had a guy call in (at least I think it was a guy, it might have been a women with a gruff voice...) tonite cause his (or her) DSL service was not working after one of our techs left there this afternoon. What was a cable tech doing there, you ask? Well, his (or her) neighbors had just signed up with our service and according to this person, when the tech left their house he (or she) was without his (or her) DSL service.
Me: There really isn't much that I can do for you. You need to call your service provider. They will have to schedule a technician to come out there and check it out. I cannot schedule a tech to come to your house and fix this since you do not have our service.
Mr. (or Mrs.) Customer (getting agitated): What do you mean??? It was working fine before your technician left, and you guys broke it, so you should fix it!!!!
Me: Actually, I won't be able to do anything until I speak with the account holder for our service. They will have to call in and I can then schedule an appt if they are having connection issues.
Mr. (or Mrs.) Customer (really pissed): But their connection is fine!!!!
Me: And that is why you need to call your ISP and have them come out and take a look at that.
Mr/Mrs Customer (raising his voice): This is ridiculous!!! You break my connection and then you can't even fix it!! You should be able to do something about it!!!
Me: You know what, let me check on something...
Customer is now on Penalty Hold while I look up the phone number for his (or her) ISP on the Internet.....
Customer is now out of my queue as he (or she) is in a holding pattern for his ISP! Dontcha just love Google!
Our outgoing email server uses the prefix smtp in the server name (server name example = smtp.area.ISP.net) and I have varying degrees of success with different acronyms for the people.... Some folks get a giggle out of my favorite "Send Me Toilet Paper" but a lot folks get confused by that. Those people do better with "as in Samuel, Mary, Tom, Paul" and still others need me to point to the abbreviation to the left of the text box, while I have the microphone from my headset inside the cavity of my mouth while I repeat
"S - M - T - P" Mr. Customer: S - T - M - P?
There must be some personality test that can predict which ones will do better with which style.
We were doing standard lack-of-connectivity troubleshooting and when I asked this customer to try and type in the Run window the following letters: C, M and D, in order to open a DOS window, she tells me that the computer won't let her type. Hmmm....
We tried rebooting. Still can't type over what is in the 'Run' window. Sounded like an open dialogue box, but I couldn't think of which one would do that to her. I manage to navigate her to the Command prompt link in the start menu and she gets the DOS window open there. When she goes to type 'winipcfg', yet again, the computer won't let her type...
Arggghhhh.... having the keyboard unplugged is one reason why you may not be able to type in the RUN window.....
Me: Thank you for calling < ISP >, this is Haywood I can help you.
Mr. Customer: Yeah, I accidentally pressed some buttons on my remote and accidentally just ordered a Playboy movie.
Me (aside): Yeah, right... "Accidentally..."
Me (to customer) I'll need to transfer you to the Video support department, since you have reached the helpdesk for the Internet service... Please hold....
Cust can't get online due to what appears to be signal issues either on the line into his house (the drop) or something in the cable plant (the wiring and hardware that make up the cable company's hybrid fiber/coax backbone network in his area). However, our trends board shows only one other person reporting a similar issue in his area in the last hour and there are no known outages in the area.
He informs me that something weird is happening since he can release and renew his IP address but cannot ping the gateway or beyond and cannot get on the Internet or do email. I inform him of the lack of outages or trends indicating a wider problem and also mention that the problem is most likely with Zone Alarm being corrupted (yet again.... These symptoms are tell tale signs of a firewall blocking access). And he informs me:
Mr Customer:Oh no, It's not ZA. I never have a problem with ZA.
HA!!! You obviously don't do tech support....
Also, he is using a no-longer-supported modem (3Com) and his levels after rebooting still are awful. I notice he has a tech scheduled to come to his house so I mention this to him and get the real kicker...
Mr Customer: But tonite is the nite I do my Multi-Level Marketing from home. I am losing tons of money because this service is not working.
Me (rubbing my hands together getting ready to go for the jugular): Well, sir, if you are using our service for a business purpose then that is a violation of the AUP (Acceptable Use Policy) and you can be suspended for that. Perhaps our business services division would better suit your needs. Our service is really designed for personal/residential use, not business use.
Mr. Customer: But I am using my HOME computer in my HOME to run my HOME-BASED BUSINESS (his emphasis).
Me: But you are still running a BUSINESS. (aside: you moron!)
Mr. Customer: Well, just get it fixed!
Me: Ok, sir, we'll be out there tomorrow.
click
Me: Thanks for calling < ISP > you F*&$%*&ing jerk!
Me: Thank you for calling < ISP > Internet Help Desk. This is Haywood, I can help you.
Mrs. Customer: I sure hope so. My name is xxx and I have been on the phone since 3 o'clock. I have talked with several people and they keep transferring me all over the place. What I am trying to do is set up my answering thingee so that when people call me they will get my message and when I called in earlier the nice young lady told me to call back when I had written down what it is that I want to have on my message, so now I am calling back.
Me (aside): Maybe the reason for the long time on the phone is because you won't shut up.
Me (to the customer) I notice you don't have Internet services, are you trying to set up something related to your telephone services?
Mrs Customer: Why, yes I am. And I have been transferred all over tarnation for this.
Me: Well, somehow you reached the helpdesk for the Internet service. I am going to need to transfer you to a telephony rep. Can you hold for one sec?
Mrs. Customer: Yes, but you know, I am going to be 85 in a few months, I mean a few weeks.
Me: I promise we will get someone on the phone with you before you turn 85.
