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Haywood Jahelpme (aka Tech Support Hell)

I am a real live tech support person. And I live in Tech Support Hell.
SAVE ME!!!! UPDATE: I have been saved!
Wanted: Techs in Support Hell needed to help keep this blog alive!

Thursday, March 27, 2003

.: 6:58 PM
posted by daddy-o

More Random Comments

Me: OK, so the modem is now synched up, let's try going to Yahoo.com
Mr. Customer: Now where would that be? In programs?
(believe it or not, I had to spell Y-A-H-O-O for this guy...)

(Sound of frustrated customer after I ask her to do some "menial" task to determine the problem with her connection)
Mrs. Customer: You know, I'm not computer illiterate.
Me: *sigh* I know...
then the phone drops on the floor and I heard:
Mrs. Customer: Goddamn! What happened?

Me: OK, Mr. (Customer), can I please ask you to verify the last 4 digits of the social security # on the account?
Mr. Customer: SHIT!
Me: Nope, that's not it.

While setting up the Outlook Express, there is a step where you fill in the user name and password. This exchange could be with Any Customer
Me: Okay, your username is ******** and the password is the word password
Me: That's all in lower case p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d.
Mr. ANY Customer: Should I type that in?
Me: Uhm, yeah... Let's type that in....
HOW ELSE IS IT GOING TO GET IN THERE????? All the computer fairies I have at my disposal for configuring my customers' computers have been dispatched to Oklahoma....

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Wednesday, March 26, 2003

.: 11:59 PM
posted by daddy-o

I swear I have talked to this person before

Enter the Cow-orker

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Thursday, March 20, 2003

.: 5:26 PM
posted by daddy-o

To Apply or not?

I don't know how many times I have gone thru this little dialogue, and each time I have the same conversation. I swear, at least once a day I experience this deja vu:

Me: OK, Go ahead and click OK.
Mr: Customer: Apply, or OK?
Me: OK
Mr: Customer: Not Apply?
Me: Hitting OK will apply the changes for you and then close the window.
Mr: Customer: Oh, OK

Many actually don't listen at this point and click apply anyway. How do I know? Well, I can hear them click twice, especially if they are on a speaker phone... Geez people, do you think I am lying to you? I want this fix to work just as much as you do, so why would I give you bad information???

Well, I guess I just got off the phone with today's non-believer...

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Wednesday, March 19, 2003

.: 1:22 AM
posted by daddy-o


I just want you to know, before I start writing this, that I am staying 45 minutes late (as of right now) so I can blog this while it is still fresh in my head. This guy was RICH!

Me: Thank you for calling (blah, blah, blah...)
Mr. Customer: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger in technical support and he transferred me to you. Why did he do that?
Me: I don't know.
Mr. Customer (with attitude): What?!?! What do you mean you don't know?!?!

At this point I was tempted to say "Look butthead, since you just came into my phone queue, this is the first I have heard of this, so how the fuck am I supposed to know wtf this call is about? How about you give me your damn ticket number, punk? And quit taking that attitude with me!" But instead I said:

Me: Well, I didn't talk with him and this is the first I am hearing of this, so did he give you a ticket number or anything like that?
Mr. Customer: What?
Me: A ticket number? A reference number? Some way for me to find out what kinds of troubleshooting steps have already been performed??
Mr. Customer: No
Me: OK, lemme pull up your account. Can I have your home phone number please? (< aside >and keep in mind that I work for a NATIONWIDE cable company and I am all the way across the country from this fella...< /aside >)
Mr. Customer: xxx-xxxx
Me: Uhm, and what was the area code for that phone number
(I was prompting him here, because I knew that this dumbshit was gonna go and tell me his ZIP CODE. And sure as the sun shines, what did he say?)
Mr. Customer: 34334 (or whatever it was)
Me: Uhm, I need the area code for your phone number.
Mr. Customer: Oh, that! It's XXX

And then I heard the toilet flush and commenced laughing as soon as my finger could hit the phone's MUTE button.

A little later when we were doing some troubleshooting he says (after burping in my ear):

Mr. Customer: Aww man! The lights on the modem went out again! Man that sucks!!
Me: Well, we may need to get a technician out there if the lights keep going out on the modem.
Mr. Customer: Let me try and see if its working now.
Me: You won't be able to go anywhere if the cable light is not solid on your modem (indicating that it is synched up with our network)
Mr. Customer: Well, I'm gonna try anyway
Me: OK, do as you wish.
Mr. Customer: Oh, I guess it looks like you're right.

NEWS FLASH: Tech support people usually know what works and what doesn't work. That is why we are TECH SUPPORT and you are the CUSTOMER!

Then after the lights came back on and he relaxed a little he tells me
Mr. Customer: My dotta light is flashing.
Me: Your DATA light?
Mr. Customer: Yeah, my dotta light.

Then even later in the call after the guy got pissed when the modem kept losing synch and he said:

Mr. Customer: I don't want that < ISP COMPETITOR > bullshit. You know that "LSD" stuff (< aside >Does he mean DSL perhaps?< /aside >)? I really like you guys with < ISP >. I have you guys for cable too. (< aside >REALLY??? I never would have guessed< /aside >) I am just pissed off cause I can't get my puh.... (dramatic pause) my Internet.

Yeah, right, it's the lack of the Internet that has you with your panties all in a bunch??? NEWS FLASH: You're all pissy with me 'cause you can't get your damned porn! If you would only have been smart enough to Right Click and Save those pics, you wouldn't be in this quandry now, would you? So when I was getting ready to schedule a tech to come to his house to try and fix the problem he announces:

Mr. Customer: That's it! The god-dammed modem's lights went out again!! God-dammit!!!


Oh well, I guess you don't get that truck roll you need and will have to resort to watching porn on the TV, just like you used to do in the olden days before the computer... Oh wait, that wasn't that long ago... LOL

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.: 1:19 AM
posted by daddy-o

That long?

Me: Thank you for calling < ISP >.net, this is Haywood. I can help you.
Mr. Customer: Wow! They said I was gonna have to wait 16 minutes.
Me: 16 minutes, huh. I can put you back on hold if you like.
Mr. Customer: Ha ha, no thanks.

As I say this, I hear my cubilcle neighbor laughing quite loudly. It seems he heard my comments...

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.: 1:10 AM
posted by daddy-o

Co-worker journal

Occasionally a co-worker will share something that he/she feels should go in this blog, and here is a great example from the other day:

Other Helpful TSR: Is there any activity on your computer?
Mrs. Customer: Yes, there is. I can tell because it's making that doogetty-woogetty sound

I'm sure we have all heard that doogetty-woogetty sound she was talking about at least a hundred times if not a thousand...

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Tuesday, March 18, 2003

.: 8:34 PM
posted by daddy-o

Backing Up Stored Email in Outlook Express

Their method for backing up the mailbox will work, but you can do it also by finding where the Store Folder is located (go to Tools>Options then click on the Maintenence tab and then the "Store Folder" button. This will show you where the mail is being stored. To save the mailbox, click in the box and then highlight the whole thing and copy it to the clipboard. Once in the clipboard, paste it into an Explorer window (Windows Explorer, not Internet Explorer) and then hit Enter and you will be in the Store Folder. Close Outlook Express and then backup the folder to a CD-R or whatever. If you are unable to restore it after backing it up, ensure that the files are not marked as "Read Only"...

PC Tip 28: Back Up your Email in Outlook Express

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Saturday, March 15, 2003

.: 12:17 AM
posted by daddy-o


Me: Thank you for calling < ISP >.net, this is Haywood I can help you.
Mrs. Customer: I just restarted my computer and now I need to get on the Internet
Me: Now, did you "restart" your computer, or "restore" your computer?
Mrs. Customer: What's the difference?
Me: "Restart" is to restart the computer, as in to turn it on again. "Restore" is to delete everything and take the computer back to the condition it was in when you brought it home from the store.
Mrs. Customer: Oh, then I restored it.
Me: OK....


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.: 12:04 AM
posted by daddy-o

Some more random customer comments
and the things I would love to have said to them...

Mr. Customer: My Internet doesn't want to connect.
wtf? Your Internet? It doesn't want to connect? What does that mean exactly? Unfortunately for me I am often forced to translate the speech of adults into terms that a child can understand....

Mr. Customer: Hello, who was I just talking to?
Me: I don't know, but you are talking to Haywood now.
How the hell am I supposed to know who you were just talking to? Have you no idea how a call center works? Did you catch a name? Of course not!

(After finishing up with the troubleshooting she asked this):
Mrs. Customer: Is there still a guy there.... His name started with a "W"...
Me: Um, you got me....
Like I am gonna know everybody whose name starts with a "W"? That's like asking someone who you just found out is from Canada if they know your Uncle Max from Winnipeg. The world is small, but its not that small...

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Friday, March 14, 2003

.: 5:37 PM
posted by daddy-o

Outlook Express Error 0x800c0131

I'm not quite sure who ISC is, but if they do not want to reveal this "secret" information to their customers (and the public in gereral), they shouldn't have put their Knowledge Base on a publicly accessible web server.... Anyway, this is an easy fix for a not-so-common problem in OLE...
Error 0x800c0131: Unable to send mail in Outlook Express.

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.: 5:28 PM
posted by daddy-o

To the Moon!

I remember hearing that we went to the moon with only 32 KB of RAM. That is pretty cool. These days tho, with all the bloatware, and system crashes and exploitable bugs, it seems that every OS sucks. Brought to you by iMovie Retro TV...

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.: 3:58 PM
posted by daddy-o

Some people should not own guns....

This guy was having enough trouble searching the internet, due to pages not loading thanks to his firewall (Norton), and what do you think he was searching for? There ought to be a law... Or at lease a test.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2003

.: 6:36 PM
posted by daddy-o

I had no idea that is how it worked...

Mr. Customer's son: We need to re-download our cable Internet. Our computer just got erased and we need to put it back in there.
Me: Okaaaaaaaayyyy....

So I sent him to download the Internet when we were all done...

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.: 6:25 PM
posted by daddy-o

An Honest Man

Me: Thank you for calling < ISP >.net, this is Haywood I can help you
Mr. Customer: OK, I am a dumb shit.
Me: Heh, well at least you admit it
Mr. Customer: Well, I am having a problem with Oulook Exploder
Me: Hahahaha, is this Internet Exploder or Outlook Express?
Mr. Customer: Yes.

This guy is almost as bad as the infamous dumbbitch@< ISP >.net.

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Saturday, March 08, 2003

.: 5:37 PM
posted by daddy-o

More Random Comments

Me: Let's check your cookies
Mrs. Customer: It's too late for candy tonite

Me: Do you have a ticket number?
Mrs. Customer: What? I gotta stand in line now?
Me: That's a good one!
Mrs. Customer: Well, I'm a little punchy here...

Me: What version of Windows is this?
Mr. Customer: Windows 97?
Me: Uhm, they never made a Windows 97, could this be Windows 98?
Mr. Customer: Pardon me, yeah, that's it!

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Thursday, March 06, 2003

.: 8:33 PM
posted by daddy-o

Now, that is a good firewall...

Wow. 2 zone alarm calls in a row. Both could release/renew their IP addresses and were not pingable. And both were fixed easily with the same procedure...

All we had to do was set it (ZA) to not load at startup.... Both had the new version (3.0, I think):

Get to the control center (right click the icon and go to "Restore Zone ALarm COntrol Center"
In the Overview section, click on the Preferences tab
Uncheck Load Zone Alarm Pro at startup
Say Yes to the popup and then reboot

Wallah! You are back online!

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.: 12:16 AM
posted by daddy-o

Identity Crisis

I get these alot. People for some reason presume that they can just make up any old username in their email program, and that will work.... OK, this one took the cake! She knew that she was allowed to have up to 7 email addresses so she set up 7 different Identities in Outlook Express. She started out the call telling me about what she had done. Well, then when I was trying to explain to her that what she did won't work, she came back at me with "I just set up each Identity because I am able to have 7, right? I do get 7 Identities, right?"


So I splained to her that "Identities" are only a software thing in Outlook Express and what she needs to do is set up additional usernames in her account with us, her ISP. So she proceeds to tell me that what she did was create 7 new Identities with all the new email addresses she wanted, and I am thinking "Oh G-d, I'm having deja vu all over again"...

So after I put it a little differently, "You have to sign up for these other email addresses you want on our website". And she went "Oooooooooooooh..." So we went to the website and I had her sign in to add those emails.

Me: Now go ahead and login with your email address and password. Do you know your email address?
Mrs. Customer: Yes, and let me just say, that I thought it was funny when I signed up for it initially.
Me: So go ahead and type it in. It should be d-u-m-b-b-i-t-c-h @ < ISP >.net (for those playing along at home, that was inputted without the dashes)
Mrs. Customer: OK, and my password is **********. Should I hit "Submit" now?
Me: Yup
Mrs. Customer: OK now what?
Me: Click on that link to "Add an Email Account" and put in the new username you want and enter a password between 6 and 12 characters.

The kicker for this, and that is not to say that her login of "dumbbitch" isn't funny enough, is that she proceded to tell me that the reason she had to get the new email address was because she is applying for a job at the Sheriff's Department and she can't put that address on her resume. Well, duh!!!!!!! Dumb Bitch.... LOL

And my co-workers who read this blog can confirm that we really have a customer with that email address and that I am not making this stuff up! Truth really is stranger than fiction....

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